Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I Would Advise Vegetarians Look Away at This Point

A nice perk I enjoy at work is being able to borrow any DVDs I want. Hockey season aside, Susan and I do not watch TV at all, but we do love watching movies and TV shows on DVD, so it is a perk I appreciate. We have a long list of movies we want to see, compiled from trailers, recommendations, our knowledge of what's coming to the cinema, or things that are causing a buzz.

One movie we had on our list was Cooking with Stella, so when it was traded in at the store recently I pounced on it to bring home and watch that evening. Unfortunately it was rather disappointing, but there are always worse ways we could have wiled away a couple of hours. I returned the DVD to the store the following day, and brought up Amazon on the store computer to ascertain a price we should sell it at. We tend to use Amazon as a guide as it is usually the cheapest online source for most titles, then we price our stuff at around 60% of the cheapest available new copies.

Not changing the catch-all category of 'All,' I typed "cooking with" into the Amazon search box and a whole load of options appeared in the resultant drop-down. However, the search result appearing at the very top made my jaw drop in amazement, shock, and not a little disgust. So, taken from the very page that, ahem, came up when I typed in my search, here is screenshot proof of my findings:

It is a small image, but you should be able to make out "cooking with semen." Yes, that is correct: semen. Not cooking with wine, vegetables, chicken, confidence, or any other of the hundreds of possible options, but semen.

Now, you know how search engines work, right? Without getting too technical - which I happily could as I know all about search engine algorithms and whatnot - it goes without saying search results are ranked by popularity. That much should be obvious, eh? For example, when typing merely 'f' into Google, 'Facebook' appears straight away, as you would expect. So, this means that the highest number of searches on Amazon for "cooking with" was "cooking with semen." To this fact, I have no idea what to say. It is just extraordinary. All I can conclude from this information is that either someone has somehow manipulated the results, which seems highly unlikely and, even for giggles, kind of pointless, or else it is a truly sick, sick world, people.

Once I had recovered from my shock, however, curiosity took over and I decided to follow the "cooking with semen" link. What I found was as, if not more, amazing than the result itself. I found a book entitled Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, for which I strongly urge you to read the book description and, especially, customer reviews. Trust me, you'll bust a gut. And possibly vomit, depending on how broadminded you may be. Then, how could I forget, there is also the epic tome, Semenology: The Semen Bartender's Handbook. Again, you really, really should read the reviews.

So, a whole new world opened up for me as a result of innocently borrowing that crap DVD - a world of cum cooking and baby batter beverage creation, should I wish to explore it further. And I thought I was a man of the world, but it seems not. Wow, what odd creatures we humans are...

As I search today I see that "cooking with semen" has slipped down to # 5 in the search rankings. Poor show, semen! Amusingly, though, "cooking with booze" and, what the hell, "cooking with coolio" have entered the top 10! Hurrah! There is still no sign of wine, vegetables, chicken or confidence, but proudly shitt... er, sitting at the top of the pile today, however, is "cooking with pooh." I hope to hell that's the real book that now dominates the searches on Amazon, and not a spelling mistake. Not that, all things considered, I would too surprised if it was!